When I do, usually, one thing leads to another, and it goes on and on.
Sometimes you just get either real happy, sad, motivated, inspired, depressed.
Makes you think about the past, what you could have done to change it, and what
you could do to improve to make a better future.
You can probably tell that I just zoned out earlier today, huh? Well I was
at starbucks today, and I had the time to do so. And it left me feeling…
disappointed. A little depressed and sad. I’m the type who’s hard on myself for
things that has happened to me. I blame myself for things- some people might
think maybe a little more than necessary. But that’s just me, and that’s what gives
me the drive to try and get better; the reason why I’m all into self-improvement.
The improvement of everything I think I’m weak at: emotionally, physically, talents,
skills- anything and every part of me.
I need to be this elite person so that I can be satisfied with myself- and
maybe, if it allows, successful, and happy. But another thought crossed my mind:
Is this wrong? To do this for a personal gain? Is it a sort of pride, a greed? Is it
one of the Seven Deadly Sins?
Psh. all I know is that I need myself to become this “elite human being”, so
that I can live this one and only life with full satisfication. I don’t wanna struggle.
I don’t wanna be a loser. I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t wanna be incapable. I
don’t wanna be rejected. I don’t wanna be told what I can’t do. I don’t wanna be
tied down; restricted. And so I need to do everything I can to improve myself just
so I can lower those chances of me being any of those things above.
Right now, I’m living by this belief, this theory, I’ve come up with myself
with all these times I’ve sat alone by myself thinking: If I can get to that “elite”
level, I’d be able to have that freedom- the freedome to be able to do what I like,
to not be restrained, confined by a ceiling of my multiple weaknesses.
I’d have the freedom to get whatever job I like, I’d be accepted because I have
the qualities needed, I’d have the power to be able to make a decision instead of
being the one to who has to be decided on, the freedom to express myself freely;
physically and emotionally through the different kinds of Arts, and Music.
I need to be perfect, or close enough to perfect. Only in the things I
want to improve on the most. But, is it wrong to want to be perfect?